Recently I found myself tempted to alter my hair color. For some reason or another, I've always wanted to test of this "black" color since I am blondish-brown as it is. Having some extra money, and extra time, I shuffled my way over to the local Target to browse my options.

Quickly I noticed the ratio of dudes to chicks on the cover of hair dyes was woefully low. And every time there WAS a guy, he looked like someone out of a PS2 role playing game. Immediately I began to wonder if the ones with guys were the only ones I was supposed to use, and the rest contained equal amounts estrogen as dye. It was like being at the toy store and accidentally wandering into the "Hot Pink Section," the momentary panic, then the mad dash back to the "Army Green Section" before anyone catches you.

For those unfamiliar, there are three distinct type of hair dye potency to choose from:

LEVEL ONE: Upon opening this box, you will find a small baggie of colored powder. The color will last until you move, then it falls off directly onto anything white you own, where it bonds forever.
LEVEL TWO: Any choice you make at level two looks great for the first week, then immediately reverts to "muddy puddle," where it will remain for a month. Then your hair falls out. Twice.
LEVEL THREE: This permanently re-writes your genetic code. You will break out in oozing sores if you attempt to restore your hair to it's natural shade. All your children, and their children, down to the 10th generation will sport the color that you choose. It is irreversible; even to science and Indian scalping.

Before you dye your hair, you need to also realize the side effects of the tones out there. Man is always toying with things he should not be, and thanks to modern technology, the simple act of changing your scraggly tufts will change you as a person.

BLACK: This is the color I went with. I can only speak from personal experience here, but I am writing poetry NON-STOP. Sometimes I see sunsets and I cry, and other times I remember sunsets from when I was a kid and I cry about those. Then I think about girls and they make me feel mushy inside. I also like vintage clothes and wearing tight pants. Sometimes I cry about my pants, because they are too tight. Thank god for poetry, to get me through these rough, tight pants times.

RED: People who dye their hair red are either 1) Going to an anime convention or 2) Planning on going to an anime convention.

BLONDE: If you're not in a boy-band of some kind before you bleach your hair, you're legally required to be in one within 24 hours because everyone is going to be asking you about it. Sissy.